‘She Can’t Be Awake, Damn it. I’m a Doctor and I Told Her She Was Dead.’

If you’ve glanced at our writings at least once before, then you are already aware that the species known as labcoatus nerdyturdius displays unlimited and wondrous ways to step into deep doo-doo on a daily – and often, hourly – basis.

So it ought surprise you not a whit that a doctor in Germany pronounced a woman dead who wasn't interested in his goofy medical opinion.

Trust me: doctors pay more attention if you happen to be cute

They realized she wasn’t dead because the 92-year-old started screaming from beneath the sheets in mortuary cold storage. One of the funeral home workers – and how freaked out was that guy? – heard her yelling and started calling for help. And trust us, we would pay money to get a copy of that 911 call.

It seems that in the hours before, the poor elderly gal had been found with no apparent heartbeat and was not breathing at all, so the physician – whose name is being withheld by German authorities – declared the woman dead. Now, in the world of EMS we don’t have this problem, because we use a little memory tool called Obvious Death Signs – are they present or not? Nothing fancy, but it works for us. And for the uninitiated – like apparently this MD – a lack of a pulse and breathing are NOT signs of biological brain death. This is why the wild, wild world of EMS we came up with that nifty little ritual called . . . wait a minute and it’ll come to us . . . CPR.

One thing we learn as Paramedics. Old people can get pretty pissy when you tell them they’re not alive anymore.

Anyway, the clueless doctor has since been charged with “Negligent Bodily Harm” which is a crime, and if found guilty – which he won’t be because he wears a lab coat for a living – would face a range of consequences, from a small fine to a prison term.

We suggest they spank him on the heinie with a ping pong paddle, just to wake up at least three of his brain cells. But we’re guessing that probably won’t happen, either.

Or, or . . . they could have this twit spend a 24-hour time-out ride-along shift with a busy Paramedic team. We'll be happy to show him what 'dead' looks like.