Someday, our heirs in the distant future will look back at America’s “healthcare” insanities of the year 2018. They just might wonder why the citizenry thought popping pills that killed a 1,000 of us per week, was a bright idea. They just might suspect we were . . . appallingly stupid, back in the day we know as today.
In ancient Greece the wisest of healthcare males were able to convince the populace that many of the ailments of women-folk were caused by – now you may want to hold your ponies here – “The Wandering Womb” affliction. Oh yes, they did.
So by all means they believed everything their doctors said. They were smarter than everybody else, you see. Of course at the time, nearly all respected doctors were males, and women – well, they were neither. So who could possibly know more about the female condition than a bunch of horny guys?
So the lab-coated males convinced the lesser-educated females of the time that their illnesses were cause by internal emotional factors – loneliness and frustration mostly. Why might a woman be lonely and frustrated? Well, because her uterus had broken free from its pelvic ties, you see, and began a long, slow, sad, meandering journey up towards the lady’s head.
So ladies, here’s your question of the week: Do you know where your womb has wandered?
Now, many of us already know that Plato was perhaps the smartest dude of his era. What did Plato the Genius think about this female medical condition? He expounded that the wandering uterus was in fact “an animal living inside a female animal.” Aretaeus of Cappadocia was perhaps the most famous doctor of the day. In one of his many writings, he said this:
“The womb moves hither and thither within the female flanks. It can move to the right or move to the left. The womb is altogether erratic.”
Hither and thither. We like that. What a cute way to describe a woman’s internal organ vagabondism.
The wisest of men back in the day, would all scratch their chins and nod in unison. For they recognized that a wandering uterus caused hysteria, which was often fatal. So my oh my, what might a doctor prescribe? What, pray tell, could possibly be the cure for nomadic nether regions?
Why, steamy sex was prescribed, that’s what.
So for no other reason – and we know there could be no other reason because they said so – than to rid Greek society of such a terrible scourge, behind closed doors, the most dedicated and caring of healthcare professionals – male doctors – stepped forward, lifted the reclining patient’s bare legs, and cured her of her wanderlusty womb.
And now you know.
Stay tuned next week, and we’ll tell you all about the renowned physician who solved mental illness by shoving ice picks into the eyeballs of his poor patients.