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It’s Sunday! Time For a Phew Physician Phunnies . . .

January 21, 2018

 

We suspect these patient medical record notes would be less hilarious if they weren't . . . you know . . . TRUE:

 

“He is a healthy-appearing, decrepit, 69-year-old male, alert but forgetful.” (Well doc, you certainly cleared that up)

 

“I am unable to arouse this woman.” (Note to doc: 9th grade playground primer, page four . . . find the Grafenberg spot)

 

“The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia the rest of the day.” (We sort of like anorexia on pumpernickel, but that's just us)

 

“This patient has been depressed ever since she started seeing me in 1983.” (Not sure we’d put that in writing)

 

“The patient was in his usual state of good health until his plane ran out of gas and crashed.” (Okay. Don’t stop now. And then what happened?)

 

“His past medical history has been unremarkable with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.” (A weekend of pizza, beer and football. Big deal)

 

“She is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.” (10 years of advanced training. Can’t fool you)

 

“This patient was released to outpatient care without dressing.” (Hell-ohhh. Do these pants belong to anybody?)

 

“Discharge status: “Alive but without permission.” (Guess God didn’t phone in his consult)

 

“This patient will need disposition and we’ll get Dr. Franks to dispose of him.” (Yeah, ‘cuz he’s my cool classmate with that family-owned garbage disposal company)

 

“Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.” (Amazing what happens when you unsnap a living bra)

 

“She stated she had been constipated all her adult life until her divorce.” (What a crappy thing to say about marriage)

 

“Patient’s rectal exam reveals a normal sized thyroid.” (We’ll take your word for it, Dr. Long Arm)

 

“This patient has no history of suicides.” (Unlike that last guy, who killed himself in ’89, ‘96 & ‘03)

 

“Patient has chest pain if she lies on her side for over a year.” (Also known as the “Rip van Winkle” bed cramp)

 

“This person refused an autopsy.” (Yeah, some folks consider chest sutures a turn-off)

 

“On the second day the knee was better. On the third day it disappeared completely.”  (Who says you have to go to Vegas to see a good magic act?)

 

“Examination of the genitals reveals that he is circus-sized.” (Now we’re feeling inadequate)

 

“Patient reports a burning sensation in his penis which goes all the way to his feet.” (Alright, enough is enough)

 

“It is unfortunate that this patient failed to achieve his wellness potential.” (It’s also  unfortunate this doctor failed to achieve his human potential)

 

“It would take 20 minutes for all the human urine peed out in one day to flow over Niagara Falls.” (How can you not love these lab coat loons?)

 

And finally, our own personal, favorite, off-the-wall doctor scribble:

 

“The patient was prepped in the usual manner and the scope was introduced.” (Hi, scope!)

 

(Excerpts from our book, “America’s Dumbest Doctors”)

 

Have a relaxing weekend readers.

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